Peter Griffin, Family Guy

"Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night."

Glen Quagmire, Family Guy

"Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)"

Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

"Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?"

Matt Groening

"A lot of people believe that if everybody just did what they were told - obeyed - everything would be fine. But that's not what life is all about. That's not real. It's never going to happen."

Matt Groening

"I want it to go on, but I want us to go out on top."

Matt Groening

"Most TV shows don't reward you for paying attention."

Matt Groening

"It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than parents have."

Matt Groening

"Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems."

John F. Kennedy

"A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on. "

Thomas Jefferson

"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper."

George Washingtom

"Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all."

Gerald R. Ford

"History and experience tell us that moral progress comes not in comfortable and complacent times, but out of trial and confusion. "

Abraham Lincoln

"Allow the president to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion, and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such a purpose - and you allow him to make war at pleasure."

Stephen Colbert

"In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.' "

Jon Stewart

"I feel your scorn and I accept it. "

Tiki Barber

"We are news-fused world. We like to know. We want to know."

Aaliyah

"I don't want to abandon one work for the other, and I don't think I need to sacrifice anything to put my all into either one of them. "

Zach Braff

"The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters."

Missy Elliot

"Hip-hop is definitely not what it used to be, which was creative, original music. "

Jet Li

"Love is more powerful than kicking ass."

Martina Sprague & Keith Livingston, Black Belt, February 2001

"Fighting is like playing chess. To win, you must have a strategy and an arsenal of weapons. In chess, your strategy helps you deploy your men in a logical manner. In fighting, your strategy enables you to evaluate your position relative to your opponent's and calculate your strength relative to his."

Carl Lewis

"The trials on the road to world harmony are no greater than the courage of those who accept the challenge. "

Charlotte Hall, managing editor Newsday , Mellville, NY

"Don't underestimate Americans' endless curiosity about the world."